Tales from Tru – II

Note from Cyn: Longtime readers and friends of the RSC know “Tru” very well! He’s graciously offered to occasionally contribute to the blog in times when the spirit moves him. Below is his latest offering to help pick up my slack!

Boston, MA
April 2, 2008

Boston Gullible

By U. Ben Hadd

RED SOX LACTOSE INTOLERANT

Dr. Larry Ronan, Boston Red Sox team internist announced yesterday the twenty five man roster is lactose intolerant. Citing HIPPA laws, the Red Sox would not officially comment, however sources close to the situation suggest that recent elevated levels of flatulence have been recorded in the Sox locker room. It was learned that the team decided to remove the ice cream machine that several players frequented.

Trucks from the Gas-B-Gone fumigation services were parked at the corner of Van Ness and Ipswich streets, as workers in Haz-Mat outfits entered Fenway Park, leading to speculation that something foul was in the air. Al Levanchy, a long time custodian said the situation really stunk. “I’d have to wait for more than an hour after these guys left to clean the place up”, he said. When asked how bad it was, Levanchy fell backwards and sprawled on the ground mimicking the first time he tidied up the club locker room after their Fenway home opener. “I was standing in canvas alley watching with some of the other guys in my crew. When Tek (Jason Varitek), was announced, you could hear him putput all the way onto the field. It was hard to hear, but hoo boy, you could smell it a mile away.”

Curt Schilling’s personal physician, Craig Morgan said his client’s shit does not stink, and advised it was other players. Dan Shaughnessy has complained about Schilling for months, but neither man cared to comment about the lactose situation. According to Ronan, all of the Sox players stink. We all know Shaughnessy stinks with or without ice cream.

According to a club official who refused to be identified, Larry Lucchino commented that the problem was the ice cream machine. “These guys are costing the club a fortune in Toasted Almonds”, he said. Along with ice cream bars, the favorite of Dustin Pedroia was suspected of being Giant Neopolitan Sandwich, while David Ortiz favored Big Stick Cherry/Pineapple. The ice cream was being supplied through Chilly Billy’s of Buffalo, New York.

Citing health concerns, club officials decided to remove the ice cream machine, fueling speculation that other teams would soon follow. In New York, the Yankees removed their ice cream vending machine and instead, replaced it with organic nut dispensers. Hank Steinbrenner was pleased with the move, suggesting the Yankees thought of it first. “Everything we do it better than those guys”, he said. The MLBPA has yet to comment on the legality of the move, they are hinting at future action. Calls to union officials for comment went unanswered. Baseball commissioner Allan (Bud) Selig was emphatic in offering “the game is perfect, there are no problems and if and when we see one, we’ll take appropriate steps to preserve the integrity of the game.”

Boston’s Ronan is hoping to persuade players to look for other nutritional supplements, indicating a move towards legumes and leafy vegetables would not be any different than eating a Fudgesicle. But players are not readily accepting the new mandate. In the Boston club house, pitcher Josh Beckett lodged a complaint with Sox manager, Terry Francona. Francona would not elaborate on their conversation, but indicated he left the door open while talking to Beckett, hoping to clear the air.